I have been reading the Dear America Book series to the younger children lately. I love the way it reads and reminds me a lot of the journal entries written for Dances with Wolves. I think I am going to try writing my blog in the same manner to see how it flows and to keep my interest sparked for awhile. So here we go:
We have been in our new home for a little over a month. It has been a month full of ups and downs, happiness, fear and sorrow. The family as a whole and each individual is going through a lot of change. I have a lot of fears for two of the children as they are not dealing well with the move. It looks like Jim will be approved for disability which is good as he will be able to access medical care, but the ramifications for myself and my work load is overwhelming. I am trying to get our little homestead fully functional and easy to maintain as quickly as possible as I do not know how much longer the older boys will be living with us to help with heavy lifting and repairs, nor do I know how long Jim will be able to help. I cannot count on the three oldest consistently either do to their disabilities or just defiance. We are going to start going to a church and hoping I will be able to get help from members of the church when it is needed. Jim is coming to the understanding that he can no longer push his body to do all of the things he wants to do. Accepting help from outsiders will be hard on him though.
I have been thinking a lot lately about blind faith and how much this move was based on just that. The two children that are struggling are my two that have no faith as both are now atheist. I feel that I have failed them, but their lack of believing has made me realize how important faith is as the other children that are believers are thriving. I had prayed on this move for a long time and truly believe it was God's hand guiding us on this path to Georgia and into a new life. Now that we are here, I know this is what He wanted us to do. I did not realize how tormented we had been in California and how impacted I was by it. When one of the neighbors stops by, I still feel my stomach jump into my throat thinking it is someone complaining. I still do not answer the phone when I do not recognize the phone number as I feel like I cannot deal with anything negative without stopping to think things through first. God has blessed us with wonderful, supportive neighbors, a church who will embrace my children and us, and I pray that I can finally let go of this fear. As for the two children who are atheist, I am praying they find a path that does not continue to lead them down a road of anger and resentment. I see their anger turning into hatred and viciousness towards others and all relationships in their lives are being damaged because of it. I pray that someday God's love will fill their hearts and push all of that anger aside. At this point, a mother's love has not been enough.